About

Christianity for me has been a call to live in truth, to live in reality. And that’s fun until the reality of a broken world starts to unravel.

I was considering a martyr scene, the other day and it sent me on a spiral of ‘why’ questions. Millions of inhuman atrocities have been committed throughout history, mostly toward innocent people. The burden of my questions particularly is why do people feel the need to cause so much pain to fellow humans merely because they stand for truth? I have a theory. My theory is self-preservation.

The scenes I am describing are probably too obscure to you dear reader, so let me bring this a bit closer. Why do we usually feel the need to be defensive when our ideologies in life generally are challenged? Why do you have that flare of fury when your theological grounds are questioned? No one likes to be disagreed with, even when we’re wrong. Why? And it’s all a cute little debate until God is hanging on a cross.

We have a problem. Someone has sold humanity a lie. The lie of self-preservation. The dictionary description is:

The protection of oneself from harm or death, especially regarded as a basic instinct in human beings and animals.

And now you think I’m irrational because what’s wrong with protecting myself from harm? Well that’s not particularly the problem. The problem is that I think my life is the most valuable thing to me and I protect it at all costs. And so when this gets interwoven with my diverse desires and beliefs, everyone else is a hurdle, competition or means for me to get what I want. I either use people or crush them because I am more valuable.

What then happens when someone disagrees with me? The thing about the things we believe is that they become so integrated with our life that when someone challenges them, it feels like they are threatening our very existence. This is partly why people stay in abusive relationships. Ty Gibson said,

New light can be as frightening as the dark when the light exposes the dark we depend on for our survival.

He’s not wrong. This may be why we tend to care more about being right more than what is really true. And when our self-preservation senses danger what do we do? The responses are: freeze, flight, fight. That’s natural: that’s the carnal mind. And what has been the result? I will point us to two texts:

KJV Proverbs 14
12 There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

KJV Jeremiah 17
9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

It never pays. It can and has wreaked havoc in the world. People have been willing to kill, families have been broken, countries are thrown into poverty by politicians bent on self-preservation; you name it.

The only solution and the basic conviction of the Christian is that the most valuable life is God’s. The solution is that seeking Him and His glory is our only vocation. This is King Solomon’s conclusion after He got all that any man would desire. He says:

KJV Ecclesiastes 12
13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.

I am not even called to pursue my happiness, trust me I’ve tried. I am to pursue a Person. Danger becomes redefined. It is no longer anything that causes me pain; it is anything that separates me from Him. Happiness is no longer found in anything that my heart desires- Happiness is the Lord.

Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest; now thee alone I seek, give what is best. This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to thee; more love to thee, more love to thee!

KJV Luke 9
24 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

Who doesn’t like a party? I threw one recently; a pity party and only Jesus was invited but well, I guess He’s not a big fan of those. Let me tell you why..

I may look grown and mature but God knows, I can throw a good tantrum. In this broken world, the devil doesn’t need to try very hard to get us upset. It’s actually pretty easy.

So, I sat with the little theology I know and called up God. Its still hazy whether it was that big of a deal but, si He says nothing that concerns our peace is too small? He can send a thousand angels to our rescue? No, wait, He can actually show up Himself, yes? And I reminded Him how He showed up for Elijah and Jacob. I mean, I know these are considered great men in the Bible, but I know my Bible. There are no great men but weak men with a big God. We are all in need of grace: so God, show up.

God is interesting guys. I wish I could tell you the colour of His hair, or the complexion of His skin but I guess we’ll have to wait till the second coming or my next actual tantrum. Conclusion of the matter:

KJV Job 13
15a) Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:

Wait, now I need to make my point.

You see, I have no doubt that God knows that pain is painful. For a Man who wore a crown of thorns, was left by all His closest friends and felt forsaken by the Father Himself; I think we can trust that He understands pain. He gets that people hurt our feelings. He is an emotional God.

After my tantrum, I read this in a book I have and love:

…it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be discouraged. Feelings aren’t bad. You can tell them to get in the car. They can even pick the music. But faith drives.

We, friends, must stop letting feelings drive our lives.

I was not very amused that God chose not to show up. I have no doubt that He can do that for me. Yet I still don’t regret praying those prayers. I can trust God with my tantrums. I can show up emotional and even irrational. However, in retrospect, I see the lesson we all can glean:

God sees things we do not. He knows the gutters we’ve gone through with Him. And like a good teacher, after a good study, He has to show us what we may not see in ourselves: That we have learnt. So it’s exam time. You know what I now see? That I’ve gone through too much with Him to not trust Him. Our relationship has been forged in fires and floods too strong to be broken by one inconvenience. And as you can see, I’m still here. It took Him not showing up for me to see. I am no longer a ‘babe’ in the words of Paul. We are to be growing in faith. I think I’m in my teenage though as per this metric, but you get the point.😅

I can’t explain all that God does or allows. I still don’t know why some people had to die, why you were born in a broken home, why there’s so many painful things in the world. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are our ways His ways (Isaiah 55:8). But if there’s one thing I’d like this blog to remind you, it’s that; God can handle your emotions and He can explain. Yes, He will get you through it but He will also explain how He worked it for your good. And that may come here or on the other side of heaven. For now, look at the cross, then trust Him.

Quit the pityparty. He will calm the storm or give you the peace to brave it. He’s a good Captain. And He’s in the storm with us, always.

KJV Isaiah 53
4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

“I guess I’m having to realize that my friends are sinners,” I said to one of those friends. Doesn’t sound like the nicest thing to say, but I hope you’ll stick around for some context and hopefully edifying content as well.

I stand by my statement. I am in constant contact with sinners; my family, friends, colleagues and my neighbours who can’t seem to keep their music in the constraints of their walls, if ya know ya know, but I digress. Sinners are everywhere. Oh, and if you’re wondering, trust me, I know I’m chief of ’em. The fundamental distinguishing factor is that some are penitent and others impenitent; some are being saved and some being lost. Either way, what sinners do is sin.

Back to my statement, now and then, I lose sight about this fact particularly pertaining my loved ones. Because they are generally nice people and of course the bias of my love to them, I confuse them for saints. And so when they sin, especially against me, I am taken aback. But its not black and white like that. Even when we are Christians, we are still sinners and the only difference between us and non-Christians is that we are sinners being saved- saved by grace. We still sin, but through grace we are being redeemed out of it. So let’s talk a little bit about grace.

The thing about grace is that it has always been for people who don’t deserve it. If we deeply understood this we would unanimously agree that grace is a God thing. God’s word says:

KJV Ephesians 2
8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

Grace is someone still maintaining a posture of love towards you when you are not loveable. They are kind when you’re unkind, patient when you’re impatient, selfless when you are only seeking to please yourself (Read 1 Corinthians 13 to define love.) Basically you don’t deserve it.

You see guys, the point of grace is to maintain relationship particularly with someone who doesn’t deserve your love. This should alert us to two things: first, that when we extend Grace, it won’t be a fuzy, warm feeling because this person has hurt us and our hurt is valid. Two, grace is redemptive. It is not meant to leave the sinner where they are. Love awakens love. If the point is relationship, grace should lead us back to the mutuality that relationship requires. It should balance us back to the giving and taking that is two-way in relationship.

Now, what’s my point today? It can be summarized in this verse:

KJV Revelation 3
19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

Guys, sometimes grace looks like confrontation! Yes, I said it. Read that again.

I said that grace looks like maintaining a posture of love and the thing about love is that it rejoices in truth. The problem is, sometimes, often, most of the time, the truth about sinners is not cute. The other thing about sinners is that they are not omniscient.

You see, it is easier for me to shut down after someone has sinned against me. It is easier not to tell them. But that will continually create a rift that grows larger until the relationship is broken. The point of grace is to maintain relationship and that sometimes looks like confrontation. It looks like loving someone enough to tell them the truth. It looks like giving them a chance to change. Kinda like what God does with us. Because grace is redeeming.

I know you feel like they don’t deserve it; but reader, grace has always been for the undeserving.

When I think I’m unfairly hated, I try to remember that I’m unfairly loved.

~ R.C. Sproul.

I really want to go to heaven. It’s because, Jesus will be there; in the flesh! Heh! One day I was thinking about this, as I often do, when I realized something horrible. Jesus won’t have time for me! I know, I know, that escalated quickly but let me explain..

Think about heaven. Okay, you have the picture?- streets of gold, pomegranates (whatever fruit this is) etc etc. (Read Rev. 21 and 22). Okay, but think about the people who are going to be in heaven! I mean Abraham; the father of faith, Moses; the meekest man, David; the man after God’s own heart. Remember Daniel? What about Paul?! Not to mention all the thousands of martys. The Bible also says that:

KJV Revelation 7
God’s People at His Throne
9 After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;

Can you tell where I’m going with this? I mean heaven will have a looot of people. I’m not complaining and infact let’s observe a moment of silence to pray for one person you think really needs to come to Jesus………………………Amen.

Back to my point, in view of all the above, a voice in my head asked, How will Jesus have time for me? Me?! While there’s Enock and John and Simon Peter? (I really hope you are getting me, otherwise I can only imagine how weird I sound.😹) Anyway, and by time with Jesus, I really mean lengthy, quiet, alone time.

But dear reader, my fears have been quietened. I don’t know how Jesus will do it, but I know He will. Why? Well because, Jesus may be the Saviour of the world, but He is my Saviour. He may be the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, but He is also the God of Daisy. And I believe Jesus wants to spend alone time with me too.

How do I know all this? Well, because I serve the Jesus of the Bible. And when I read my Bible, I see a Jesus who wanted to sit alone with the woman at the well so He sent His disciples to buy bread. I see a Jesus, who did preach in the multitude but still enjoyed so much to retire in Bethany with just Mary, Martha and Lazarus. I see a Jesus who says He calls me by my name, numbers the hair of my head and notices when even one sparrow falls. I don’t know about you, but Jesus sounds like Man in love; the exclusive type of love. He is in love with the world but He is in love with me.

I thank God for godly friends. I shared this concern with two and they both reminded me of this:

The relations between God and each soul are as distinct and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth to share His watchcare, not another soul for whom He gave His beloved Son. SC 100.1

One day, I’ll get to heaven
One day I’ll see my Jesus
You may miss me for a year or seven
Cause we’ll need time alone; forgive us.

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine guys!

Morning has broken; the alarm rings. There’s a stirring as the mind brings itself back to reality. The cold of July is unforgiving, but you remember, “The warmer the blanket, the colder the future.” You spring up out of bed; there’s a bus to catch.

Outside, pupils are braving their way to their classes. On the highway there’s a rush as Nairobians try to beat the morning traffic to get to work on time. It’s Monday; here we go again!

Through her earphones, I can hear my colleague’s playlist the song, “I love my city, Na Na Nairobi.” I’m seated here thinking; ah, scam. The city has this workplace I’ve prayed for. It hosts most of my friends so it’s convenient for me to see them. Most importantly, it presents optimal conditions for effective ministry, at least for me. I am a grateful girl, I promise. But I am not satisfied.

So, are you happy? Does this cycle excite you? Could you do this forever?

I honestly don’t care how much money you earn, how healthy your friendships are, or even how good you think your relationship with God is. If you have become comfortable in this world, there’s a problem.

I condemned myself that I am discontented and thus ungrateful but you know what? When I took this to the Lord in prayer, He replied. He said He is Omniscient; He knows my heart and that I am grateful. He says that I can be grateful and still uncomfortable at the same time. He asked, why do I want to be comfortable in a place that is not home? My mind was blown!

I think as Christians we downplay the function of glorification as part of salvation. I am fully convinced that any lover of Jesus wants this world to end. There is a problem when our message makes people satisfied by a sinful, broken world. Right there in Matthew, Jesus Himself says,

Matthew 24:14

And this Gospel of the Kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.

This world is a scene of misery, more than we even could grasp. God above it all, sees and feels it all and is not indifferent. The closer we get to God the more our hearts will be broken by the things that break His heart. He loves sinners but He hates sin that has broken the world and most of all, His children. He will end all this chaos but He invites us to join Him.

Friend, I not only want to be saved from the penalty and power of sin; I want to be saved from its presence. So, if you see me around praying, preaching and trying to live aright, don’t mind me; I’m just a girl trying to end the world.

I have seen a better world, and it has spoilt this one for me.

 

Faith is sometimes manifested in the ability to do great things, but more often in the ability to recognize the greatness of little things.

-T.K. Colman

God had promised to make Abraham a great nation. On his way, it becomes very apparent that he has to split with his nephew who had joined him in his sojourn. His nephew was also wealthy and thus it became difficult for them to coexist in the same land. Abraham says to him what I would have us focus on today. He says, “Is not the whole land before thee?” and asks him to choose where to occupy.

In a particular circle of friends, we have this mantra, ‘The world is your oyster.’ This to mean, the whole world is before us. We are to go forward, conquering and to conquer. The moon is only the starting point… you guys know those speeches.

True to this, I see my people in high places and yet still soaring, and I am glad to see it. Higher than the highest human thoughts is God’s ideal for His children, yes?

I could continue to wax eloquent on this, but that’s only half the truth. The reality is that after working in that elite company are dirty dishes to do in your sink at home, before that graduation regalia are consistent, seemingly unnoticed nights of grappling with academic concepts and behind that profound sermon is a devotional life with just the minister in the audience chamber with God

Conquering the world has all these faces. But most people just want the flashy lights and audience applause without the work. One of my favorite writers says, “’Who I am when it’s not my turn is more important than who I will be when it is.” Its true. I’d add that who you are when no one is watching is more important than who you are when there’s people. Anyone can show up for 1000, can you show up for 1?

So yes, I want to be in those conference rooms and challenge professors on the policies being implemented in the Judiciary, but I also want to ensure my dishes are done and my house is clean. I want to go on those fancy dates with that prolific, refined son of God (yess my friends😹) but I also want to love my younger sister who I see every day. I want to stand on those nice pulpits and rightly divide the word of truth, but I also want to teach my 9-year-old brother bible stories and fun choruses, do my daily devotions and overcome those sins I don’t talk about. I want to conquer the world! Shall we?

I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.

-Helen Keller.

There are about 8 billion people in the world; what makes you so special?

I like to do mini life experiments and I did one some time back: let me let you in on it. Basically, I was going home from town and I decided on my sweet seat by the window in Super Metro to count how many ladies I could identify that I considered beautiful. Now, I don’t recommend you try this at home. My findings: Nairobi has very many beautiful ladies. So, what makes me so special?

There are different metrics that the world would use to set people apart. Your fame, the people you associate with, your religious group, the amount of money in your account, the shape of your body, the grade on your academic transcript, name them…

You see friend, I shudder at the thought that we should subject ourselves to the above metrics. Why? Well, because I have and I am still healing from the damage it cost me. Those standards are subjective, biased, inconsistent, unsustainable and therefore unreliable. We need a stabler anchor. We need something that embraces all humanity in all the ages that we have existed, something beyond us that is above all bias.

So what makes you so special?

I suggest to you creation. I suggest to you a Creator that is so infinite that when He said, ‘Let us make man in our own image,’ He had to make them many but different yet beautiful to bear His infinite beauty. I think God is amazing like that. That He does not need to clone human beings, His image-bearers, because His beauty is infinite, but men are finite.

This places so much value on one single human being. You are irreplaceable so much so that God, Jesus, would have still died for just you if you were the only sinner. This is why it is an absolute tragedy that any of us should be lost. There is only one of you. God simply does not clone.

The relations between God and each soul are as distinct and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth to share His watchcare, not another soul for whom He gave His beloved Son. SC 100.1

I’m seated in this office, mildly tensed. I’ve already received my first constructive feedback and I’ve not even been here 20 mins. It’s an interesting morning honestly; stood in line for a bus for almost 20 mins, my bag’s sling broke on my way there, then traffic, the anxiety of rejection. You should have seen me mutter a prayer asking for grace before I knocked on the door to this office. In the bus, I questioned my desire to be in the corporate world (sorry dad).

But reader, mark you, I prayed for this. Yet now I’m anxious and doubtful. “Shouldn’t you be grateful?” I know, I know. I should be jumping for joy, I should be quoting Psalm 30:11. But if I’m sincere, that’s not the attitude of my heart.

You see, we pray for blessings,  and what do we expect? A tideless sea, light for the whole staircase, smooth sailings and certainty. But I promise you, the only thing I’m certain of is that I need God now, more than ever.

You should grow up. Hold your head up, and walk in that room like God sent you there! You are the daughter of a King!( Insert other affirmations we tell ourselves).

But what is growing up?

I am not an expert at this. I’m at amateur level, but let me tell youuu..I’m learning and sharing my drop in the ocean of an experience so that you don’t have to walk alone.

The lie of growing up is independence. You can do this alone. The lie of blessings is that they are mutually exclusive with burdens.

Friend, God’s blessings are never to make us independent of Him. I think, God gives us gifts too big for us to carry on our own. We need friends, we need society, we need Him.

I need to finish writing this blog and text a few people and ask them to pray for me. They may have faith that I’ll need to borrow. That’s growing up; at least that’s how it looks like from this little corner of mine.

KJV Psalms 121
1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2 My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

I was listening to a podcast today. This lady, Joanna Meyer was being interviewed and she talked about the grief of unmet desires. She’s in her 40s, single as a pringle and underwent a medical procedure to have her uterus removed due to fibroids. She will never be able to have biological children even if she does get married. She expected to be married by now with children of her own. Her circle of friends had expected her to be the first one down the aisle. On top of that, she is a Christian and we all know the stereotypical culture that assails especially women regarding family life.

“What desires do I have? Are they achievable? I’m I ready for the type of grief that comes with not achieving them? What’s the point of having desires that cannot be met? How do I condition myself to have only achievable ones?”

These are all questions that have been streaming my mind since then. I strive to avoid pain at all costs. But who likes pain anyway? Who enjoys dissapointment and grief and failure? I’m going to guess no one…

Yet you see, the above scenario can happen to anyone. A child’s family is poor and can’t afford that University fee for him to do aviation, he has to settle for farming. She never found a spouse to build a family, pursue homemaking and has to make peace with a corporate career and a cat for company at home…you decide the person and the desire… Things happen.

But to my set of questions earlier, there are really two options. I don’t have the luxury of certainty. I either just acknowledge and allow desires yet run the risk of grief if they are unmet or live dreamless, unmotivated, without desires. To be honest the latter is a myth, but hey, I could play pretend…

Even so, I am reminded of this verse:

KJV Philippians 4
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

If my desires pass the above test, God says, think upon them. I was sharing these thoughts with a friend and she reminded me of this quote:

Higher than the highest human thought can reach is God’s ideal for His children. Ed 18.4

Reader, we have not been given a spirit of fear. We must live by faith.

This is not to mean that we will always get what we want. No. This world as it is- broken, sinful, imperfect- was not God’s ideal. Faith does not mitigate risks, but faith will help you trust that God works all things (including the bad and the painful), for your good.

There will be losses, eternal ones even. We may desire to have our loved ones saved. We may preach and pray for them. God can do all it takes. But if they do not choose salvation they won’t be saved. They’ll be lost eternally. Your desire was noble, and God will say to you as he said to David when he could not build a House for Him, ” You did well, because it was within your heart.“(2Chronicles 6:8)

You see dear reader, as I tremble at the thought of all my desires that may see no fruition and as I grieve the ones that already died prematurely I am reminded and comforted by this quote by Fyodor Dostoevsky:

I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for…that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts...

So I will desire. We will all either wear out or rust out. I choose to wear out.

And if in my pursuit of noble desires I should meet dissapointment, well,God will give grace for grief.

Dear afflicted soul;

▪︎ I would like to foremost affirm that there is a lot of pain in the world. I do not know what assails you, but I do acknowledge that pain and suffering are real. Even so, I truly, firmly and continually believe that what hurts humanity most is a false picture of God. In your time of distress, what ideology of God do you bear? Is He indifferent to your pain? Is He the inflictor of it? If this is our backdrop, then we bear more pain than we ought.

I implore you to inform your perception of God by His own testimony of Himself(that is His word). His word says; He pities us and understands us (Psalm 103:13, 14), He bears our grief and sorrows (Isaiah 53:4), etc… A correct knowledge of God- intellectual and experiential- is your first and fundamental step to healing.

▪︎ “We suffer because we must?” Well, I agree and I’ll explain; when the Israelites set off from Egypt under Divine guidance, they we led down the path through to the wilderness. And inspiration records:

The path where God leads the way may lie through the desert or the sea, but it is a safe path. PP 290.3

When we have made the Lord our guide, He does not say the path will be painless, but it will always be safe. The promise is that the fire is not to consume but rather to refine. Our trials are God’s workmen in the refinement of our character after His likeness, but they are metted out through sieves of grace that we are able to endure. If God has led, the path is safe; go forward!

If tribulation and pain are a necessary element in redemption we must anticipate that they will never cease till God sees the world to be either redeemed or no further redeemable. God, who foresaw your tribulation has specially armed you to go through it; not without pain but without stain.

▪︎ Lastly if we are all to be honest; we do not desire non-existence, we desire to exist without pain. We actually do not get to enjoy the luxury of death and what that means is we only appreciate joy and rest in consciousness. And guess what, God is working on it. He says:

KJV John 10
10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Holiness and happiness are inseparable. God has to work out in us righteousness fully if our joy is to be full. Cooperate with God; Be patient with God.

Friend;

Jesus prophesied pain but promised peace,
He assured for your trials an insured triumph,
There’s a glory after this groaning.

Hold fast.